Rocky Road

If only it was the ice cream. As long as the nuts are almonds, I can't stand when they are pecans or walnuts. I mean, that's just not rocky road ice cream. But I digress.

Things are a bit tough for me right now with the whole family thing (if you didn't pick up on it in the last post). I am trying to stay positive, trying to focus on the things I do have control of right now, and trying to work through a lot of the issues that our journey towards children has brought up. In general things are good, Travis and I are getting along quite well and I am so happy with our crazy aminals. Too much fun to be had by one person, let me tell you. I guess I have just reached a point now where I really don't believe that this is going to happen for us. Even if we were continuing with fertility treatment, going crazy with in vitro, or if we were trying every adoption agency out there in hopes of finding one that would approve us I would have little to no hope that things would work out well for us. I guess I have just decided somewhere in my subconcious that some things aren't meant to be and the sooner I realize that and come to terms with it the sooner I will be able to mourn that loss and move past it.

I am a bit nervous about posting this for multiple reasons. I don't neccessarily like exposing myself on the internet, and I am of course paranoid that this will in some way come back to haunt me when it comes to us pursing adoption again. But this struggle for us has been very lonely, lots of topics are so taboo in certain circles so it is hard to talk about all of your feelings and issues, so I guess I am hoping that someone will read this that has been through this sort of thing themselves. It is very unnerving to not know if what you are feeling is normal, or if all of the decisions you are making are for the right reasons/in the right frame of mind.

I do appreciate the love and support we have gotten so far from family and friends alike. But as much as people try to help and be supportive, I feel that right now I just really need to hear from someone in the same boat as us. All of this ignoring what has happened, not talking about certain things with certain people, and the feeling that everyone really wants us to just stop talking/feeling about it so it will finally go away and stop making everyone feel akward is starting to take it's toll. All of this bitterness and resentment is building up inside, and as hard as I am working on not taking my feelings and turning them into guilt, that is exactly what is happening because I don't feel like I can relate to anyone about this experience and therefore it is staying pent up.

Thanks to those of you who actually finished reading this. I am sorry to unload, and I am not saying in any way that I am not totally appreciative of all of the love and support we have recieved. Some of this is just my personal paranoid perception of life and how others perceive me. I love you all. And if you have some similar experience to this, please let me know, even if I don't really know you, or if you don't even usually read this blog. Thanks.